Red Righter: Desperately Seeking Censure, Cuffs Thinks Local Lawyer Smipkins Might Take Big Case

From Red Righter . . .

Three telephone books and several advertisements promoting Baltimore lawyers were spread across Cuffs’ booth at the North Street Hotel. As my friend saw me approach, he held up a hand and announced, “I don’t have time for your nonsense today. I’m on a mission, and I gotta focus like a laser.”

Knowing Cuffs was a king of multi-tasking, I wondered what enterprise had consumed Elkton’s most overlooked and unappreciated brain thrust.

“Censure,” he said, scanning several pages of small print listings and boxed ads under the LAWYERS section of the Yellow Pages.

“What’s the deal?” I said, sliding into his booth and ignoring his earlier warning that I should hit the road and leave him be.“I need to get censured,” Cuffs said.

Since my face had most probably turned into a human question mark, Cuffs snapped, “I wanna deal like that guy Rangel wrangled. So I won’t have to pay my back taxes and fines to Big Brother.”

Before I could reply, Cuffs shoved some papers aside and added, “Look. I’m in a bind. I owe Uncle Sam a hefty bill from that little money printing operation I was involved in years back. They gave me a fine that won’t stop running up my pay meter. I’ve been to Tax Helpers. Tax Cutters, Income Tax Is Us and We Pay So You Can Play. But nobody has come anywhere close to wrangling me a Rangel wrangle. I mean, they want a large size chunk of change for getting those IRS bums to cut me a break.”

Cuffs continues on Red Righter


4 responses to “Red Righter: Desperately Seeking Censure, Cuffs Thinks Local Lawyer Smipkins Might Take Big Case

  1. George Armstrong Custer

    Alright ladies and gentlemen, the War Department has dispatched the 7th Calvary and I again to keep an eye on things. So don’t cause us any trouble. Especially you Mr. Brooks, Commanding General of the Army, U.S. Grant told me to keep a special eye on you. If things get too out of hand on here, I’ve been ordered to call in General Sherman for reinforcements, and you don’t want Sherman, he’ll take a torch to the entire town, just like he did down in Atlanta! So don’t bother us, and we won’t bother you!

  2. General you better forget this local stuff. Since the Little Big Horn was too much for you, this local politicis will do you in for sure. DJ says you should just crawl out of here and let us locals handle this thing.

  3. George Armstrong Custer

    Are you implying that the 7th Calvary can not handle the plains Indians? The 7th Calvary is the strongest and bravest fighting force in the entire military! We are all hardened brave veterans of the War of the Rebellion so don’t you dare question our capability! We’re expecting orders soon to go out to Little Big Horn and round up Sitting Bull Smigiel, Crazy Horse Pipkin, and the rest of the Smipkins soon, and let me tell you that we shall come back victorious, and triumphant! I’ve yet to lead my troops into defeat! I am Custer!

  4. Just what this county needs, one more ultra-conservative. Don’t pay any attention to the Red Ranter. He’s just ranting like the rest of them and like he couldn’t find a Smipkin! Ignore him. He’ll go away, eventually.

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